when dad doesn’t disciple the kids
Three kinds of “single moms” exist in the church: the literal
single mom who is raising children on her own, the mom whose husband is an unbeliever,
and the mom whose husband professes belief but does not partner in the spiritual
nurture of the family. For the true single mom and the mom married to an
unbeliever, the task is clear: train your children in the Lord because no one
else will. For the wife of the believing father guilty of spiritual
absenteeism, the lines are blurry. She lives in the tension between wanting to
honor her spouse and wanting to spiritually equip her children. All three “single
moms” desperately need the support of the church, but in this post I want to focus
specifically on the third mom, a woman trapped in a dilemma.
To Wait or to Act?
This mom walks in a great deal of anxiety, particularly in
more conservative environments where emphasis is placed on fathers leading
spiritually in the home. She sees her children going to bed each night with no
family time spent in the scriptures or in prayer, with no conversations
broached on the critical subjects that help kids transition to adulthood with
the wisdom they need. She has gently
raised the suggestion that dad initiate these teaching moments, to be met with
apathy or with short-lived token attempts. And because she has been taught that
God wants men to be the ones to lead such conversations in the home, she begins
to believe that the only course of action open to her is to sit silently, not
wanting to usurp authority, confused about what her role should be as mother and
wife, praying that the Lord would change her husband’s heart.
Not that prayer is a give-up position. It is a far better
use of mom’s words than berating or begging dad to be more involved. Prayer for
dad’s heart and for the hearts of the children should always be the first action
mom pursues, both in homes where dad is spiritually present and in homes where
he is not. But in homes where dad is spiritually absent, I believe mom is
called both to pray and to act.
Step into the Street
When my children were in early elementary school I would
walk them to the corner where the crossing guard would help them across a busy
intersection to the school. She wore an orange vest and carried a stop sign. She
had a whistle. She knew the traffic patterns. It was her job to make sure the
cars stopped and the children crossed safely. As a parent, I did not have
authority to tell my kids to cross the street when the intersection looked
clear to me. That was the crossing guard’s job.
But let’s say for a minute that the crossing guard doesn’t do
her job one morning. Let’s say she sees me coming with my little ones but
decides to stay in her lawn chair scrolling through Instagram. Let’s say that I ask her to help them across
the intersection, but she ignores my valid request. What should I do? I don’t
have an orange vest or a stop sign. I don’t know the traffic patterns like she
does. Should I turn to my children and say, “Well, good luck – I’ll pray you
make it safely to the other side!”
Of course not. I should do what she has chosen not to do. I
should watch for an opening in the traffic and walk my children safely across
the street. I should submit to a higher authority than the crossing guard in
the interest of doing what is safe and right.
Moms dealing with spiritually absent dads rightly feel
anxiety for their children. In the busy intersection of life, it is neither
safe nor right to leave children untrained in spiritual matters. In fact, it would
be reprehensible to do so. But don’t worry - it’s possible to honor your sacred
responsibility to your children and their Heavenly Father while still showing
honor to their earthly father.
Make Disciples
The Great
Commission calls followers of Christ to make disciples, teaching them to
obey all He has commanded. Parents are charged with this very call within the
home. A mom who can’t count on her husband to partner in fulfilling it will
need courage and humility to move ahead in obedience to Christ. As His disciple,
she can and must spend her efforts to make disciples of her children, teaching
them to obey His commands. Moms, not only do you have permission to take this
on, you have a mandate.
In the absence of dad’s help, move forward to fill the gap.
Without vilifying dad, simply begin having
the conversations necessary to guide your children safely to adulthood. Continue
to pray for dad. Continue to invite him periodically to join the conversation. Continue
to honor him by committing to speak
well of him to your children. As you ask the Lord to help you in your efforts
and to soften your husband’s heart, keep confessing any resentment or
self-righteousness you might harbor. Lean on your Christian community for
support. But don’t let fear of usurping an authority dad does not exercise keep
you from equipping your kids with the fear of the Lord. The Lord delights in
those who do His will. Train those kids. Remind yourself that God is their
perfect Heavenly Father, and trust Him to care for them and shape them to be
like His Son.