our children, our neighbors
If you asked me the single-most important insight that has
shaped my parenting, it would be this: “Children are people.”
It seems self-evident. Clearly, they have arms and legs,
ears, noses and mouths enough to qualify. But the idea of their personhood goes
far beyond just possessing a human body. It goes to the core of their being and
speaks to their worth. Children bear the image of God, just like adults. Well,
not just like adults – it is true
that they are developing physically, emotionally and spiritually at a different
rate than adults, but their intrinsic worth and dignity does not increase or
decrease depending on the rate or extent of their development. As Dr. Seuss has famously noted, “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
If you asked me the single most misleading statement I have
heard with regard to parenting, it would be this: “The Bible is relatively
silent on the topic of parenting.”
On the surface, this statement appears to be true. When we
think of “parenting passages” we typically think of those that explicitly
mention parents, children, authority and instruction: Deuteronomy 6, the fifth
command in Exodus 20, spare the rod and spoil the child, train up a child in
the way he should go, children obey your parents in the Lord, and a smattering
of other verses. We may even throw in the example of the Prodigal Son or the parenting
woes of the patriarchs for good measure. But other than these, few passages
mention the parent-child relationship specifically, leading many to conclude
that, for the most part, the Bible must leave us to figure out this parenting
thing on our own. An understandable conclusion.
Until we remember that children are people.
Until we remember that children are people.
Because if children are people, then they are also our
neighbors. This means that every scriptural imperative that speaks to loving
our neighbor as we love ourselves suddenly comes to bear on how we parent. Every
command to love preferentially at great cost, with great effort, and with godly
wisdom becomes not just a command to love the people in my workplace or the
people in my church or the people at my hair salon or the people on my street
or the people in the homeless shelter. It becomes a command to love the people
under my own roof, no matter how small. If children are people, then our own children
are our very closest neighbors. No other neighbor lives closer or needs our
self-sacrificing love more.
Suddenly, a great deal of the Bible is not silent at all on
the topic of parenting.
Recognizing my children as my neighbors has impacted the way
I discipline them, the way I speak to them, the way I speak about them to
others. It has required me to acknowledge how quick I am to treat those closest
to me in ways I would never treat a friend or a co-worker. It has helped make
my children objects of my compassion instead of my contempt. I am better able
to celebrate their successes without taking credit for them, and to grieve
their failures without seeing them as glaring evidence that I’m a terrible
parent. Recognizing my children as my neighbors has freed me up to enjoy them
as people rather than to resent them as laundry-generating food-ingesting
mess-making fit-throwing financial obligations.
Except for the days that it hasn’t. And on those days, I
must be reminded again what Scripture teaches about loving my neighbor, confess
that I haven’t loved my child that way, and begin again. And Scripture provides ample help. Here are just a few "unlikely" parenting verses that point me back to neighborliness on the days that
don’t go as they should:
When I want to correct my kids with harshness:
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, but
a harsh word stirs up anger.
When I want to lecture them:
James 1:19-20
Know this, my beloved brothers:
let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger
of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
When I want to make them make me look awesome:
Philippians 2:3-4
Do nothing from selfish ambition
or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let
each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
When I find meeting their needs to be an imposition:
Matthew 25:37-40
Then the righteous will answer
him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and
give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked
and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And
the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the
least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
When I want credit for how hard I’m working as the mom:
Matthew 6:3-4
But when you give to the needy,
do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your
giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
When I don’t want to extend forgiveness for their offenses:
Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and
anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be
kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ
forgave you.
When I’ve completely lost sight of the forest for the trees:
2 Timothy 2:24-26
And the Lord's servant must not
be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting
his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to
a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the
snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
That last one is on a note card on my fridge.
It is true that our children are God-given responsibilities
we are to steward. But we will only steward them as we should by remembering
that, first and foremost, our children are people we are to treasure. When we
treasure our children as our neighbors, we remove from our discipline any hint
of condemnation, shame or contempt. We alter our language to communicate love
and value, even when we must speak words of correction. And we replace our
prayers of “please fix my frustrating child” with prayers of “please help me to
love the little neighbor You have placed in my home, even as You have loved me.”
Fred (“Mister”) Rogers understood well the value and dignity
of children. An ordained Presbyterian minister, he spent his life preaching the
beauty of neighborliness on public television to small people: “It’s a
beautiful day in the neighborhood…Won’t you be my neighbor?” His message is a
good one for parents as well. Children are people. Our own children are our closest
and dearest neighbors. Mom and dad, use each “beautiful day in the neighborhood”
to show preferential love to the neighbors who share your roof. And be encouraged:
the Bible overflows with help for you.
What passages of
Scripture have most benefited you as a parent? I’d love to know.