FAQ: should i make my child apologize?
It is definitely commendable to want your child to speak and
act only out of right motives. And yes, godly obedience goes beyond just saying
the right words – godly obedience is right actions plus right motives, doing
the right thing for the right reason. Godly obedience is what Christian parents
want to instill in their children.
But how is godly obedience instilled? How is it trained? The
answer might surprise you. Unlike adults who learn by reasoning, young children
learn by doing. Adults want to be convinced that a course of action is the
correct one before they will pursue it. Children, on the other hand, learn to perform
the correct action before they are developmentally able to assess the reason it
is correct. Doing the right thing actually precedes understanding why it should
be done.
Parents intuitively understand and employ this “training
truth” with young children in many areas:
- We train them in the language of courtesy before they desire to be courteous (please/excuse me)
- We train them in the language of gratitude before they desire to be grateful (thank you)
- We train them in the language of respect before they desire to be respectful (ma’am, sir, Mrs., Mr.)
- We train them in the language of prayer before they desire to pray (“God is great, God is good”, The Lord’s Prayer)
In short, we teach our children the language they need to
interact with others well before they have any real concept of or value for why
such language is necessary and good.
Because of this, I would answer the question “Should I
require my child to apologize?” with an emphatic “Yes.” If we faithfully equip
our children with the language of courtesy, gratitude, respect and prayer, why
would we not also equip them with the language of forgiveness? Is it not
equally important for them to know? How would training them to apologize
encourage them to lie any more than training them to say “Thank you” before
they are truly thankful? Would it not seem unloving to leave them verbally
empty-handed when facing a situation where forgiveness needs to be sought?
the liturgical child
Children are wonderfully liturgical creatures: they love
repetition. This accounts for their ability to enjoy the same book or video
over and over again, their attachment to a bedtime ritual or a particular pair
of socks, their tendency to shout “Again, again!” when they ride the carousel.
Children are wired for repetition because repetition helps them to learn.
Just as a pastor in a church that uses a liturgy each week
would not assume that his congregation possessed genuine faith because they repeated
the Apostles’ Creed, we parents do not assume that our child feels genuine
repentance just because she has been trained to apologize. But we give her the right
words trusting that the right motive will attach to them as she matures.
Just as the congregation needs to witness their pastor live
out the truths of the liturgy as he ministers to them, so our children need to
witness us live out the truth of the language we teach to them. A child who
sees his parents apologize with genuine remorse when they have wronged him
learns quickly to do the same. Every time we apologize to our children we give
them a picture of what mature, genuine apologies sound like: “I am so sorry I
hurt you with my words. If I were you I would have felt so scared and sad that Mom
yelled. It isn’t right for me to speak to you like that. You are precious to
me. I love you so much, and I don’t want to do that again. I didn’t honor God
and I didn’t honor you. I’m praying God will help me to stop. Can you forgive
me?”
older children and
apologies
Should we require older children to apologize? As our
children grow, they become developmentally able to link right motive to right
action. They become capable of seeking forgiveness without prompting and
without memorized words. An older child who has demonstrated genuine remorse in
the past (and has seen it modeled by parents) is probably ready for a different
approach when an apology is needed.
- “That was a big outburst. What do you think needs to happen next?” {I need to apologize} “Yes. Would you like to do that now, or do you need a few minutes to think about what you want to say?”
- “I think you know what the right thing to do here is. I am praying the Holy Spirit will show you your need for forgiveness. We’re ready to talk to you when you’re ready.”
- “You should apologize to your mom. Why don’t you take some time to think about what you want to say, and when you’re ready, come tell her how you feel about what happened.”
And then, yes, wait for genuine repentance to manifest. If
it is slow to appear, you may need additional conversations about how
unforgiveness harms relationships, and you may need consequences to drive home
the point. But a child who knows the security of having a parent who quickly
repents and forgives will typically run to do the same.
So, yes, require an apology from your young child. Don’t let
fear of raising a liar keep you from training your children in the liturgy of
repentance. Model what godly repentance looks like for them, train them
faithfully in the language of forgiveness, and pray that the Lord will use your words and your example to bring about genuine repentance in their young hearts.