a parent of my word
"Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil." Matthew 5:37
In the Sermon on the Mount,
Jesus instructs his disciples to be people of their word. He teaches that our
“yes” and “no” should be words of such integrity that they require no oath to
back up their reliability. In short, he instructs us to do what we say we will
do so that our words carry unquestionable credibility.
This is a foundational concept for Christian parents to
understand. We want our children to trust our words. Cultivating that trust
begins at an early age and requires intentionality. It also requires great
effort.
Most parents recognize the importance of letting their “yes”
be “yes”. If we promise a reward for an accomplishment or good behavior, the
reward must be given. Following through on that “yes” teaches our child that
when we promise good things, we deliver. And giving a reward is a joy, so we
are fairly consistent at delivering on our “yeses”.
But it is in the area of letting our “no” be “no” that our
credibility usually suffers. Who hasn’t seen the young mom in the grocery store
issuing and repeating a series of “no” statements to her young child, to be met
with either no acknowledgment or outward defiance? It is critical for parents
to understand the subtext of these scenarios: they are battles for parental
credibility.
When we issue a “no” command and our child does not obey,
she is asking us an important question: “Are you a person of your word?” How we
respond to non-compliance will tell her the answer. If we repeat the command or
allow the disobedience to go uncorrected, we tell her that our word is not our
bond. If we follow through with correction, we tell her that our word can be
trusted.
Why don’t we follow through? Usually, because we have
casually given a command we don’t care about enforcing or because we don’t want
to exert ourselves to administer correction. A parent whose word is his bond says what he
means and means what he says. He only commands what he expects to be done, and
he follows through with correction even if it requires effort. He cares more
about consistency than comfort. He cares more about integrity than inconvenience.
Consider this thought: We should repeat ourselves as many
times as we want our child to actively disobey. When we tell ourselves “Oh, he just didn’t
hear me” or “Oh, she’s too young to understand”, we disrespectfully imply that our
children are either deaf or stupid. They are not. If they are old enough to hear and respond immediately
to “Come get a cookie” they are old enough to hear and respond immediately to “Pick
up your toys”. The issue is not their hearing or intelligence but their will.
But what about grace? Don’t we
model God when we give grace instead of correction? Yes, by giving it like He does: freely, to one who does not expect it at all. A child who
ignores a command is telling you she expects to be given grace, and often what we call grace is conflict avoidance on our part.
When we give a command, our unspoken implication should be “I mean it”. When our child ignores it, their implication is “No, you don’t”. Repeating the command reveals our lack of resolve and compromises our child's ability to believe we are a parent of our word.
When we give a command, our unspoken implication should be “I mean it”. When our child ignores it, their implication is “No, you don’t”. Repeating the command reveals our lack of resolve and compromises our child's ability to believe we are a parent of our word.
So be a parent whose word is your bond. Only give commands
that you expect to be obeyed. Only give them once. Consistently follow through
with affirmation for obedience and correction for disobedience. Your child will
flourish under the assurance that your word can be trusted, a credibility you
can draw on when the hard questions of adolescence arrive.
Still better, your trustworthy speech and actions will model
the character of God. By being a parent of your word, you mirror our heavenly
Parent, whose “yes” and “no” are firm, for His glory and our good.
For more on young children and obedience, listen to week 2 of the parenting class here.
For more on young children and obedience, listen to week 2 of the parenting class here.